When we began this journey 19 months ago, I was sure things would go smoothly for me. I know, very crazy and conceited of me and laughable at this point. I thought because I wanted it so badly and prayed very hard, that I was organized and driven that things would just fall into place for my family. We first chose Ethiopia to find our daughter because at the time that program looked promising, only to do all the work and find out almost a year later that it wouldn't happen if we stayed with that program.
In April 2011 we switched to China Special Needs and re-did all our paperwork, our entire dossier filled with important paperwork and notaries and seals. Then finally in July, 2011 we first saw our daughter and switched to another agency to bring her home. I know for sure that Ellie was meant to be our daughter and we happily went through each step and waited and did more paperwork and waited. Throughout this process I have certainly had good days and bad days and some very bad days. My agency couldn't be any supportive and are so wonderful to try to keep us informed and encouraged.
As I am now waiting for Travel Approval time seems to be taking on a new meaning. I go through each day with a gnawing feeling in my stomach that never quite goes away and my arms positively ache to hold my daughter. My mind is completely preoccupied and I don't seem to be doing anything very well these days. There are many things I COULD be doing, packing or preparing in some way but I feel immobilized not knowing when we will travel. To make matters worse, things in China will be shut down for a week for Chinese New Year in a couple of weeks which will throw us yet another delay.
I have many adoptive mama friends who have had much harder roads then me, they have gone through program shutdowns, disrupted adoptions, lost cases. I also have many waiting friends who continue to wait for their child despite years of waiting and wanting. Knowing all that usually helps me get out of my funk and soldier on, but not today. Today is Friday so that means the weekend is here and with it brings the impossibility of hearing any news for two whole days. I spend my days waiting for the phone to ring with news about our daughter, so these two days seem to take forever.
Of course we are busy, of course our lives are happy and full. And I know the wait for my daughter is undoubtedly worth it, I know the wait will seem insignificant once she is in my arms. I now also know that wanting something more than you can possibly bear does not make it so. The only thing to do is continue to wait and today I am just not doing it well.